I'm in Awe of What My Grief Created
How surrendering to my grief allowed me to appreciate the beauty it has created and is currently creating in my life.
I believe we are finally out of Mercury retrograde’s shadow period. HALLELUJAH! Yall, this Mercury retrograde had me in shambles towards the end, as the moon was in Scorpio. If you’re interested, I will explain the astrology of it all at the end of the article. For now, lets get right to the beginning, the grief of it all.
Grief.
You already know how I’m coming, we need to define what grief actually is, because even I misunderstood it.
Pause ⏸️. Grief has multiple definitions according to Merriam Webster, including: a deep and poignant distress caused by, or as if by bereavement; a cause of such suffering; trouble, annoyance, or an unfortunate outcome.
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I’ve begun to realize grief is not at all what I thought it meant. I correlated grief with a physical death, but grief is much more complex than physical death as defined above. Grief has shown up in my life often after endings and failed beginnings. Grief is an inconvenient cost of love. I have grieved the death of loved ones, but I have also grieved the failure pause of my business, the life I thought I’d have by now, the shift of my friendships after marriage and motherhood, oh, and men (how could I forget?)… LOL, but grief has changed me. The greater the grief, the greater the change in me.
Pause ⏸️. Did you know as a child I was a great singer? I am talking GREAT, until one day, my voice disappeared. I am talking the child leading for the adult choir during city wide revivals, GREAT. People still ask my granny if I sing, GREAT. Yeah, I was GREAT until I wasn’t. Think of the Little Mermaid and Ursula… I swear someone took my shit! But after that, I felt I had no talent. Music was the one thing no one could take from me, until it was…
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In 2021, the greatest grief I have known so far occurred. The mask of a family member slipped and while it had begun happening slowly over time, the relationship I’d known died in a level of betrayal I still have yet to understand. To keep it a buck, I have not been able to view people the same since. At the same time, I was grieving the life I thought I would have at 28. I was single with no prospects, working a job that did not generate joy, or align with my values. I cried so much during that season of my life (I am talking snotty nose on the kitchen floor crying out to God).
Pause ⏸️. I was down so bad on my 28th birthday, I spent the entire day in the bed in the fetal position sobbing, ignoring all birthday messages and calls. My mommy showed up at my house unannounced (that is a BIG no no for me btw) with cake because she knew something was wrong with her baby. I was sick about my life, but 2 days later I began building my business plan and 5 months later my business shetriedHER was open for business. I am in awe of what my grief created, even if itwas a failureis on pause.
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I felt the weight of chasing the wrong dream and feeling like the real life I dreamt of was becoming impossible. For a while, I let my grief fester until I hit a breaking point; I could continue to let grief run stall my life, or I could use that pain to create a new life for myself. I ultimately chose to create a new life for myself AND my lineage.
Create
What does it mean to create? What does it mean to be creative? I am glad you asked, lets define it. I told yall, my mama made sure if I did not understand, or how to spell a word, I had to look it up in the dictionary and I really wish more of us did this… THE LITERARY CRISIS… anyways.
Pause ⏸️. Merriam Webster defines the word create as to bring into existence, or to produce or bring about by a course of action or behavior.
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I did not always believe I was creative, but based on that definition, I believe we all are. Creativity is not just the arts, it is the process of bringing an idea to life. In 2021, my grief around the life I thought I would have and the ending of the relationship with a family member, forced me to create a business; a meaning for all of the shit I was feeling. The business I created was a process, sometimes fun and sometimes frustrating; from creating a business plan, sourcing suppliers, securing packaging, tracking shipments, marketing, standing in the cold and heat trying to sell my vision and products, and my goodness the financing… Oh and don’t think the grief wasn’t present, I WAS HURTING, but I was transmuting it instead of letting it run stall my life! Despite the challenges and grief, it was the first time I had an idea I dreamt years about, actualize. Which leads me my last point, the awe and complete adoration after you create something that only existed in your mind.
Below is a link to an article my business was featured in locally.
Awe
I’ve come to learn that when the tears get to flowing, my creativity gets to growing and eventually I will bear fruit; the darker the berry, the sweeter the fruit... In other words, my tears tell me that there is a story in my life that needs to be told, not solely for my own release, but for others too. All of my endeavors came from grief and I learned all of my endeavors have a story behind them, once I surrendered to the grief. My ability to create also led me to learning what my talent purpose was; uplifting and inspiring others. It has always been my talent purpose, because what I loved most about singing when I had a voice, was the ability to inspire. That is why I share my stories, that is why I am a life coach; I want to inspire others to tap into that calling on their life even if it has been clouded by loneliness, low self esteem, or bullying. I will never not be in awe of what my grief has created. I’ve endured a lot, but I just keep getting up and transmuting, which is what is what makes me survive the grief of it all; I am an alchemist…
Pause ⏸️. Surrender, according to Merriam Webster is to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand.The definition of talent is a special often athletic, creative, or artistic aptitude; general intelligence or mental power, according to Merriam Webster. Purpose on the other hand, is defined as the reason something is done or used, intention; the feeling of being determined to do or achieve something. I like to differentiate those two, because talent focuses more on the activity, but purpose is the intention… there is a difference.
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Which gets me to wtf was going on with me this entire Mercury retrograde. I was fighting between my current life and my dream life; my talent vs. my purpose. It was a lot! I am trying to leave room for both (MY FINANCES 🥲 - the biggest cockblocker of my creativity), but honestly, all I want is the dream life. Now that I know the reeeeeeeason 🎶 aka my purpose, I only want the life that was grown from my grief, but I don’t want to stay in the places that caused me such grief. I am ready for God to say, now is the time Briana, you are ready for a miracle that will not only inspire you, but millions of women across the world. That is my reeeeeason 🎶; that is why I will be forever in awe of the things my grief created. My grief led me to my purpose/power. My grief will lead others to their purpose/power, especially those yearning for the meaning after the storm.
that breakup/situationship
that betrayal
the depression
the loneliness
the low self-esteem
the financial loss
the bullying and emotional abuse
Looking for a keynote speaker or a life coach? See if I am a great fit by clicking the link below for a discovery call.
The Astrology of it All
I want to give you all a little background about astrology as a non-astrologer, but also so you can understand the depth of the grief I was carrying. First, I want to say this because I know astrology is often regarded as “demonic” in my community, but astrology reminded me how intentional God is with all of us. I think of astrology and our birth chart’s as our finger print; NOTHING is by accident and NO ONE will leave the same imprint on Earth as you.
Mercury is the planet of communication and when it is retrograde, it is “seemingly” moving backwards, so when Mercury is retrograde, our communication is often “off” or “wonky” and it is why our exes reach back out; communication includes verbal and technological. Mercury retrograde wants to know “will you go back, or will you go further despite the pull back to the past?”. This Mercury retrograde was in Cancer and Cancer is a water sign representing expansion and motherhood. Lastly, I mentioned the moon was in Scorpio towards the ending of this Mercury Retrograde; the moon also represents the mother (it likes to be in the sign of Cancer) and Scorpio, another water sign, represents transformation, or death and rebirth. My moon is in Scorpio, so the mixture of the Mercury retrograde in Cancer and the moon in Scorpio, had me like this iconic painting by Annie Lee.
Whew, I know that is likely a lot, but to put it all into perspective, I was an emotional wreck in the final days of Mercury being retrograde in Cancer. After surrendering, I cried for 3 days straight and as painful as it was, by doing so I connected with my maternal lineage, appreciated their sacrifices, and realized it is time for me to make a change in our lineage; my purpose is ready to be revealed to the world. I was giving birth to my creativity, to the quantum leap that will be felt by future and past generations. I am going to tell our stories, not because they are special, but because they’re relatable and we as women, especially Black women, can overcome despite the political landscape shown across traditional media.
Pause ⏸️. Hey Siri, play Girl, Get Up by Doechii… she liked one of my posts and when I feel like I suck as a writer, I remember an artist that is not only THAT girl, who reminded me of my creativity through sharing her journey of the Artist’s Way, liked MY work. I started writing because of Doechii speaking about the Artist’s Way, now all I wanna do is share stories like this through both blogging and fiction (I have a novel on the way).
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Fun fact, majority of my writing encompasses music. Below is the playlist that assisted me in creating this piece. Often times, God pulls me to listen to certain songs on repeat to really absorb the messaging, so I kept these songs on repeat for days LOL. I wasn’t interested in hearing anything else, just wanted music to remind me to keep going, despite the heaviness of the recent transits.
I know you’re wondering, what did Doechii like? Check it out by following the link below to my Substack.
Thank you all for reading my work. This one took a lot to write, I mean the writing behind it was easy, but the grief and tears behind it was BRUTAL. The fetal position brutal… however, if you felt connected to this, please find a way to create; it is in you and costs nothing but awareness to find… please feel free to like, comment, subscribe, or share this piece with someone you feel would relate. Until next time. 🧚🏾♀️💕✨
Lastly, if you would like to purchase anything from my business, shetriedHER, I am still open, but for sizes out of stock, I do not have the capacity at the moment to pay for a restock.
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