Negative Beliefs the Didn't Belong to Me: I'm Lazy
- Jun 16
- 8 min read
How I let a childhood projection drive me to burnout.
Hey yall! I’m back with Part 3 of 4 of the Negative Beliefs that Didn’t Belong to Me series and this time we will discuss being labeled as lazy. But first, here’s a quick synopsis of the series. I realized I carry an unworthiness wound, built from 3 different negative self beliefs that started in childhood: 1. I’m ungrateful, 2. I’m sensitive, 3. I’m lazy. After I write about each of these, I will tie them all together in Part 4, where I will explain how these built my unworthiness wound. My goal here is to share how I’ve released these negative self beliefs and the unworthiness wound in hopes of connecting with others who may share, or shared, similar beliefs and wounds.
Okay so boom! Anyone else grow up unable to sit still? Meaning, you’re only allowed to be still if you have a pretty dress on, or you’re on your death bed? That’s how I grew up. I am certain it is a cultural thing, but I knew once I heard that garage go up, I better be doing something productive, or else my father would shame me. And this is no shade, again, it’s likely a cultural thing. However, it’s no wonder I struggle(d) to relax and spent years feeling guilty for needing a nap. Rest = lazy.
But here’s the thing, I’m not lazy. I may be sensitive, but I’m not lazy. I worked hard to get where I am today and continue to do so. I depend on me, if I want it. 😏 Between my upbringing and the popular music in my teenage years - Destiny’s Child, Webbie, and Ne-Yo - I was conditioned to believe that in order to be a successful and desirable woman, you work hard and depend on no one. I’m not mad at that. Having good work ethic is sexy, but being well rested is too. And taking time to rest is what helps keep us healthy and sustainable as individuals.
Young Adult Years (Pre Saturn Return)
Once I was 16, my dad practically pitched my first job. He met with the manager at our favorite restaurant and said my daughter needs a job. He brought home the application, I filled it out and began working shortly after. He always told me, I will buy you a car, but you’ll be putting gas in it. He did NOT lie.
I liked working if I’m being honest, until it conflicted with after school activities. You see, I wanted to be a theater kid, a ✨star✨. I had so much fun in theater and while I struggled to find friends when I switched high schools, I did begin building relationships with some of the theater kids. I even got invited to a homecoming party, but my dad made me leave early. I am still mad about it because they had a chocolate fondue station at the party. CHOCOLATE FONDUE!!! This wasn’t a teenager alcohol infused party, it was nerds and moms who were excited to show off their baking skills. Then we were going to watch movies in their theater room - some shit I didn’t have in my house so I’m trying to see what that’s like! So yeah I’m still mad about being told I needed to come home. LOL.
Anyways, I’m rambling… but I’ve always worked hard. I even pitched my first raise to my manager at 17. I was scared, but I did it. I worked so much they would have to tell me to stop coming in because I was about to hit 40hrs.
Fast forward to college, even though I worked my ass off to secure a full tuition scholarship, as well as additional scholarships, I worked as a nanny. Highkey, I was rich in college because my money was MY money. In the summers, I held down an internship with a Fortune 500 company, even securing a full time job before I started my senior year of college. I clearly was not lazy, yet the summer after college I told myself this is my summer and I’m not going to start my full time job til August - I unfortunately was shamed for wanting a summer. I have my whole life to work, I’ve worked consistently and barely ask for things, instead, I began internalizing what was being said and thought, maybe I am lazy… 🤔💭
Pause. ⏸️ So lazy I bought my own home the following summer, the day before my 23rd birthday, with the help of God and myself. It’s hilarious now looking back and realizing I never fit the projections and labels placed intentionally, or unintentionally, on me.
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Saturn Return?
Lots of life happened in between there, but this is an article, not a book. I will save that for my autobiography hehe 😉.
It’s my 28th birthday and for the first time ever, I got the birthday blues. I sobbed uncontrollably my entire birthday. I didn’t want to see a soul. I ignored all phone calls and texts. Why? Because I did everything “right”, yet I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be. I looked at my life and couldn’t believe it. I had “more” at 23 than I did at 28. I had a home at 23, I had a one bedroom apartment at 28. I didn’t have debt at 23, I had credit card debt at 28. My friends were getting married and having children, but I’m on my 100th first date. I played by the rules and it got me nowhere, except crying on my birthday.
After crying and feeling sorry for myself, 2 days later I created the business I kept putting off for the last 5 years. Without thinking, I swiped my credit card to file a trademark, create a website and began looking for the right vendors. On November 20, 2021 my website was live. I financially started my own business. I drove Lyft to help offset the cost, even after working 10hrs a day in my corporate job. I wanted it REAL bad, no matter the cost. I would attend local popups to sell my clothing. Photoshoot after photoshoot, ad after ad, business course after business course… I felt the greatest high from sharing my why behind shetriedHER. I was all in, until it came crashing down in February of 2022. I hit complete burnout.
Pause. ⏸️ I miss running my business and I cannot wait to get back to it. In the meantime, I still have pieces if you’d like to purchase online at shetriedHER.com
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I remember days on end where I couldn’t perform at work. I would stare at the screen unable to respond to simple emails or IMs, not to mention, my actual work. How could I, the girl who was an honor roll student, graduated cum laude, consistently climbing the corporate ladder, etc.? Freeze?! I had worn myself out trying to do it all, but who else was going to do it? And when I couldn’t perform at work, it affected how I showed up for my business as well.
The thing was, I was nearing burnout before my business and didn’t know. The demands at work grew increasingly and I would often work 60 hour weeks, so my business became the void in my life I was trying to fill. Since relationships weren’t working for me, why not go all in on a business?! I remember telling one of my best friends I need a relationship or a hobby, because I have nothing once I’m not working. That is exactly why I did it. I needed my business to be successful to prove my worth. Remember, I have an unworthiness wound. If I can’t prove my worth through marriage and children, maybe a successful business will do the trick. Maybe I will be fulfilled. Maybe the elders in my family won’t question me about marriage or what’s next, because I will be running a profitable business…
Instead, I became exactly what most people fear, a failure. The girl who always had it together, quit her job because she quite literally couldn’t perform, began driving Lyft full time to make ends meet and at 29 years old for the first time since I was a child, I asked people for help financially. I felt worthless, shameful and lazy. The burnout didn’t end when I quit my job either, it actually showed me just how exhausted I’d been. I’d been performing to prove I wasn’t the labels placed on me 20 plus years ago, that I completely shutdown. I was similar to a computer that had been running without ever being turned off. Sure a quick restart may help, but I needed a full shutdown, updates, repairs, etc
Pause. ⏸️ Wanna know what’s even funnier about this? It wasn’t my Saturn return. I assumed it was given my age and my friends also being in theirs, but nope. My Saturn is at 0 degrees Pisces, and if you know anything about the planets, there’s usually a a short window of time that Saturn will enter the upcoming sign before completing its final moments in the current sign; like a precursor. And what do ya know? I was born during that short window. So my life was shitty and it wasn’t even in the official shitty season. I had a full blown meltdown learning this, I kid you not LOL. I will say, years 28-29 was so horrible that my actual Saturn return was a breeze lol.
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Anyways, in years 30-32, my actual Saturn return, I learned a lot about myself. I began unpacking things such as the wounds I carried and where they stemmed from. I learned the art of slowing down. I held tighter to my childlike joy. I forgave myself. I didn’t let fear control me like it used to. I somewhat stopped performing (it’s hard okay, but dammit I’m trying). I’m grateful for the lessons my Saturn return taught me.
To those who are in it, or may be going through it soon: Yes it’s scary and it can feel like your life is upending, but wouldn’t you rather release all the blocks that are stopping you from your desired life?! Oh, just me? But that is what your Saturn return is baby.
Post-Saturn Return
I’m only a few months into my post-Saturn return, but so far so great. I mean I have my days; however, I love it here. Here are a few things I hope to accomplish in the next few years.
Get comfortably paid to exist through my creative outlets (writing, traveling, and yapping).
Create a life that allows for breaks without the fear of financial ruin.
Hang up my hyper-independence badge to allow more receiving.
In conclusion, I’m FAR from lazy. That label never described me, but it did build me into the woman I am today; good and bad. Like anything negative thrown my way, I’ve learned to question and alchemize it. My laziness has created a beautiful life for myself, lessons and pain included. Now I will stop trying to prove that I’m not lazy and actually get “lazy” aka rest, by asking, trusting and receiving God’s goodness.
I’m curious as I begin closing out this series:
Are there any labels unfairly placed on you? Write them down.
Do you agree with them? Why, or why not?
How have they affected you? Both negatively and positively. Write out the pros and cons of each label placed on you.
Thanks so much for being here. Please read the other articles in this series; as well as my most popular to date. Until next time. 🧚🏾♀️💕✨
Originally posted on Substack May 26, 2026 (https://open.substack.com/pub/thebrianadionne/p/negative-beliefs-that-didnt-belong-874?r=2is9ez&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web)
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