Negative Beliefs that Didn't Belong to Me: I'm Ungrateful

For 31 years I held on to the belief that I was ungrateful until I realized, that belief was never mine; it was a projection that belonged to someone else.

Pause. ⏸️ Before I get started, I want to start off by saying this will be a 4 part series. I realized I carry an unworthiness wound, built from 3 different negative self beliefs that started in childhood: 1. I’m ungrateful, 2. I’m sensitive, 3. I’m lazy. After I write about each of these, I will tie them all together in Part 4, where I will explain how these built my unworthiness wound. My goal here is to share how I’ve released these negative self beliefs and the unworthiness wound, in hopes of connecting with others who may share, or shared, similar beliefs and wounds.

Play. ▶️

Formative Years

“You’re ungrateful!” a statement that I often heard in my upbringing when I expressed my dislike or disinterest in something. It could be as simple as mentioning my dislike of sweet potatoes (sorry yall, I don’t like them - healthy or unhealthy), or if I was gifted a Lil Romeo album even though I was team Lil Bow Wow (I will still stand on Lil Romeo being cuter though). In order to appease my elders, I politely smiled and showed gratitude, while silencing my true feelings. I learned it was better to do this, than to express myself, because expressing myself would turn into lectures of how there are other children who receive nothing that would be grateful to have some sweet potatoes or a new cd, or worse - I deserve nothing if I keep it up. This made me internalize, maybe I am ungrateful, because I do receive nice things; it may not be what I wanted, but something is better than nothing. Right?

The truth of the matter was, it wasn’t that I was unhappy with receiving gifts, I was unhappy because this isn’t what I wanted and my elders were well aware of my likes and dislikes. These examples are minuscule as an adult, but as a child they are huge and your elders are your Gods. If your elders say you’re ungrateful when you speak up, well then, you’re ungrateful. Also, talking back? What’s that? Not allowed in my household growing up. I’m ungrateful and that’s final.

Teenage Years

Like any ordinary teen, I tried expressing myself more. Sometimes expressing myself meant, I don’t agree with one’s opinion. When trying to speak up like the young woman I was becoming, I was shot down and yet again told “you’re ungrateful!” and/or “after all I do for you?!”. I knew it didn’t make sense to be labeled ungrateful for simply having a difference of opinion, but you hear something enough without proper dialogue and resolve, our minds have no choice but to believe it. Me disagreeing didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful, or didn’t love them, it simply meant I didn’t agree with that specific opinion. Just as a child, I realized having a difference of opinion would result in anger from my elders, so to keep the peace, I swallowed their words in silence.

Young Adult Years

Once I left home, I was free to rebel, or so I thought. I went to college 12 hours away just to fall into a familiar chaos with a man. He felt like home I used to tell myself, not realizing, that’s not always a good thing. Home is comfortable, but home for me meant: I’m ungrateful, I’m sensitive, I’m lazy. Funny enough, he didn’t have to say those things to me because I was determined to prove to him and myself I wasn’t what my elders projected unto me. I sang his praises because I truly was grateful for the scraps he gave me. Here’s the thing, all that “I’m ungrateful” talk programmed me to appreciate any and everything from someone. I was overjoyed to receive a gift, even if it came after an argument where I was put down. A Valentine’s card a day late? Hey, at least he got me one and it’s on sale; something is better than nothing. A blanket apology instead of a genuine apology followed by changed behavior? Hey, at least he apologized. He was flirting with someone else? At least he didn’t sleep with her. See how programming me to simply be grateful led me to accepting shit with a smile? If I had been more sure of who I am, who I’m not, what I deserve and what I don’t deserve, I may not have subjected myself to a familiar chaos. But that’s neither here nor there, as I learned some valuable lessons about myself.

Post Frontal Lobe Years - Dating

I dated a lot after 25, A LOT. Each man I encountered, I put my best foot forward aka being grateful for the crumbs, or lack thereof. You know, “fucking the texts man for texts” type shit. Yeah that tweet humbled the hell out of me. I wasn’t fucking them all, but the fact that a text was currency to me then… EEEEEYUCK! But why wouldn’t it be? My conditioning made me look for anything to be grateful for, even a measly text.

Dating, in my opinion, is one of the best ways to see yourself. You say you love yourself, but your actions say otherwise. You say you love yourself, but your partner fucking hates you. You can’t love yourself! I didn’t love, or know, myself at all. I simply moved through life with the belief that I’m ungrateful, so to prove I’m not, I’d tell myself “it’s not that bad” or “he doesn’t owe me anything anyways”. This type of thinking is exactly why I was single for 8 years, I wasn’t even allowing the bare minimum to be met and when it wasn’t, I made excuses for them, instead of cutting contact.

The Catalyst Year - 31

An ex I’ve mentioned here a few times, drunkingly berated me for days on vacation and when I chose to walk away from his chaos, he said “people go through worse”. What do you mean by that? You tried throwing every insecurity of mine in my face and called me out of my name, while I was sick. So what was worse? I never asked by the way, what I imagined was horrific things I’d never want to endure, nor would it change my decision to leave him.

Pause. ⏸️ Hey Siri, play Number One Rule by Megan Thee Stallion - specifically the first verse cause TUH. 🙂‍↔️

Play. ▶️

He was the catalyst for me realizing I have some work to do because, who you attract may not have to do with who you are, but who you continue to entertain sure does. I was entertaining shit because I was seemingly grateful for shit. Why? I didn’t believe I was worthy of more. I also felt if I proved that I didn’t require much, I’d be given more. The lie detector test proved THAT was a lie. I fell for the future faking and scraps he gave me. Yes his scraps were more than what others gave me years prior, but they were still scraps. I know I deserved and desired more, but my actions were consistently choosing shit, so shit is what I received.

In Closing

Gratitude doesn’t mean to be grateful for anything anyone gives you. If I order a lobster dinner and receive a chicken dinner, no one would say I’m ungrateful if I send my plate back; they’d understand why I’d be upset receiving the wrong thing. And a good restaurant would remedy their mistake! Don’t be so grateful that you accept less than your worth. Decline what they’re trying to give and know that what you’re asking for will come in due time.

Grateful, according to Merriam Webster, means appreciative of benefits received : feeling or showing thanks. If someone gives you something and it’s not beneficial, then it doesn’t make you ungrateful at all.

Merriam Webster further defines grateful as pleasing by reason of comfort supplied, or discomfort alleviated. Was comfort supplied? Was discomfort alleviated? If not, then again, expressing your dislike or further discomfort, shouldn’t categorize you as ungrateful.

Furthermore, when you think about it, not liking something shouldn’t equate to being “ungrateful”; it simply means, ‘nice gesture, I just don’t like it’. Someone may have every right for their feelings to be hurt, or to be annoyed, but that doesn’t give them the right to label you as something you’re not just to satisfy their fragile ego. That’s manipulation at play babes.

Also, people know what they’re doing. If you tell someone your favorite color is blue and they keep buying you purple things, they’re not listening to you, or worse, it’s a “test” to see how you’ll respond. Again, manipulation.

WHEW! So, that was a lot, but if you saw yourself in this scenario, know that you’re not what people labeled you. In my particular case, the things those elders labeled me were projections; admissions of guilt. I carried their own negative self belief, but it’s not mine to carry anymore. I’m good luv, enjoy! 😘💅🏾

I will leave you with these three things to journal about.

1. What negative self beliefs do you have? Write them down and when you first began believing them. Did they come from you, or someone else? If someone else, put a name and maybe a story to it. This will help you in knowing what negative self beliefs are truly yours and which ones are not.

2. Do you overcompensate for these negative self beliefs, or try to prove you’re not those self beliefs? If so, write down the actions you take to overcompensate for these negative self beliefs. Writing them down will help you to acknowledge them so that you can abandon them. They may have served you then, but they do not serve you now.

3. What positive self beliefs do you have? Write them down and when you first began believing them. Did they come from you, or from someone else? If someone else, put a name and maybe a story to it. This will help you remember who your people are.

As always, thanks for reading. Don’t forget to share this with someone who you believe it will resonate with! I’m excited to continue this series and release the negative self beliefs that don’t belong to me. Until next time. 🧚🏾‍♀️💕✨

Originally posted on Substack March 12, 2026 (https://open.substack.com/pub/thebrianadionne/p/negative-beliefs-that-didnt-belong?r=2is9ez&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web)