The Ache of Loneliness
- Jun 16
- 4 min read
Loneliness is a familiar friend that reminds us all that connection requires authenticity.
I spent the first 12 years of my life as an only child. I was bullied and isolated throughout elementary school. I’ve yet to be in a serious relationship since graduating college over 10 years ago. I’ve spent majority of my adult years living alone. Loneliness is a friend of mine; not my best friend, but a familiar friend. Loneliness has made me, me… Still, loneliness aches.
Loneliness is defined as the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it, by Psychology Today. It can also be described as the following:
Loneliness is coming home to an empty house.
Loneliness is going weeks without a hug.
Loneliness is feeling disconnected even in a room full of people who love you.
Loneliness is being there for others and realizing it’s not always reciprocal.
Loneliness is trading your authenticity for a moment of connection.
Loneliness is allowing yourself to lay next to a warm body, despite knowing they’re not aligned.
Loneliness can have you assuming you’re the only one who’s ever felt like this, yet I bet you can relate to at least one of those examples I provided. If not you’ve probably seen what loneliness can do to others, even if they’ve never used the world lonely, like the examples below.
Loneliness is the bitter man across the street.
Loneliness is the serial dater.
Loneliness is the woman at the bar every night.
Sometimes loneliness is a little harder to spot, because it has a great PR package. It can even look like the examples below.
Loneliness is the woman who loves solo traveling.
Loneliness is the person who’s quick to smile at strangers.
Loneliness is the man who relentlessly pours himself into his community just to feel connected.
Loneliness is the woman who has lost all sense of identity through motherhood.
Loneliness is the coworker that’s always looking to pick up extra hours.
Loneliness is something we all have gone through, or may go through; however, we are often terrified to share, or maybe we didn’t have the language for it. Loneliness, in my opinion, occurs when we are afraid to be authentic with ourselves and others. This fear around being authentic can happen because of betrayal, trauma, or maybe just not being taught how to express yourself and your needs. You may feel you’re being needy or a burden, so you neglect your needs to maintain a positive image and the relationship. You will tell everyone “I’m fine” because they’re either not a safe space for you, or you’re not allowing them to be a safe space. In turn, we are not being authentic and authenticity is a key component to getting our needs met.
However, if you express your needs to someone and they choose not to support you, (first off that sucks and I’m sorry) you may need to demote their presence in your life. Not everyone needs to be a safe space, but everyone deserves a safe space, especially if you’ve been the safe space for others. Allow yourself to receive safety in return because you deserve someone like you too. The people you call your best friend, your chosen family, or your partner should be a safe space for you. The people who cannot fulfill that role for you, let them be an acquaintance, relative, or friend. Remember, not everyone deserves the highest title in your life, only those who equally hold you in the same high regard and reciprocate safety.
So I’ve said a lot and even called myself out in this article (ouch), but here are some ways you can combat loneliness.
Write in your journal your feelings around where you are and where you’d like to be. Take it a step further a draw/visualize what you’d like connection to look like in your life.
Join an extra curricular activity that you’ve always wanted to try, but haven’t yet - ex. swim class, dance class, cooking class. Being a beginner mixed with having fun can create an environment where you feel safe to try and be yourself.
Allow yourself to say the vulnerable thing to someone you feel safe with - ex. “I miss you and would like to see you soon” or “I feel alone right now, do you have the capacity to sit with me and my feelings?”
Give and receive good hugs. Not just the side hug or a quick pat on the back hug, but one where you pause and truly embrace one another for more than 5 seconds. Physical touch can say as much, if not more than, what words can.
Find a community online through a shared interest like gaming, couponing, love island, etc.
Light a candle, put on your favorite feel good song and dance. You can beautiful create core memories all by yourself.
Find a therapist, preferably one that looks like you and has a similar cultural background. A therapist can assist you in getting to the root of your issue and tools to assist you moving forward.
Lastly, because you know I love music. Even our greatest artists have shared that they’ve experienced or witnessed loneliness too. Janet Jackson (I Get Lonely), Michael Jackson (You Are Not Alone), Beyoncé (Scared of Lonely), Justin Bieber (One Less Lonely Girl), Chloe x Halle (Lonely), Demi Lovato (Lonely), Wale and Shaboozey (Lonely), etc. Don’t be ashamed, but don’t let it define you or keep you stuck. Be authentic and open, but discerning, and you’ll find community that provides you with the comfort you’ve been craving.
As always, thank you for reading and please like, comment, or share with a friend if you feel called. I plan to expand on this topic of loneliness, as well as many more. Until next time. 🧚🏾♀️💕✨
Comments