What's The Number One Rule?
How Megan Thee Stallion reminded me that maybe I'm not being chosen, because I'm supposed to be the chooser.
Pause ⏸️. Hey Siri, play “Number One Rule” by Megan Thee Stallion. My God I love that woman! She is such a role model for young women. Own your art, open that throat chakra up, bet on yourself and leave any MF that doesn't honor you!
Play ▶️.
When I heard Megan The Stallion’s “Number One Rule” for the first time, I gagged, but when I ended my bid, yes bid, with a narcissist in December of 2024 and I listened again, I said to myself:
Cause yeah he is STILL gasping for air in my phone nearly 2 years later. But I thought I wasn’t enough? I thought I…
In “Number One Rule”, Megan says “bad bitches choose” and I am a BAD BITCH and if you are reading this, you likely are too. Yes I am naturally beautiful, but I am smart, I have some coin, I am funny, I have goals I have met and I am pursuing (she doin' it), and once you get to know me, I am down to earth. I have been told on a few occasions by men that I am intimidating (that is a red flag telling you they can’t handle you btw) and if that ain’t the definition of a bad bitch, I don’t know what is.
Pause ⏸️. Merriam Webster doesn’t have a definition for a bad bitch, but Urban Dictionary definitely does. It is described as a woman who a badass and a solid chick with self respect. Another definition on Urban Dictionary is, one who knows how to take care of her man at home and in the streets and remains loyal to him (her man), herself, and the game at which she plays.
Both definitions sound like me and probably you!
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When I think about the men I used to dream of spending the rest of my life with, all but one, shared a common theme: they were interested in me and I gave them a chance. It wasn’t instant attraction, some of them the attraction had to grow… Had I done the choosing, I wouldn’t have chosen them. I know that is harsh, but this is just my truth, this is just my truth (word to Ari Lennox). I am not saying I dated bums or bottom of the barrel men, I am saying I settled because I was available when they sought me out, not because I felt intense physical and mental attraction. Yes, I enjoy being chased; it is thrilling and the men love it too, but I have only chosen one person for me and that was my best relationship - no I am not going back to that man (eww), but I am aware of my dating patterns and you should be too if you aren’t already.
The concept of me not choosing someone for myself is quite interesting because I have always been bossy and very particular when it comes to making decisions for myself. I chose where I currently live. I chose every car I’ve driven. I chose every job I’ve had. I chose how my home is decorated. I chose how my hair looks. I chose, to some degree, how my body looks. I have always made great decisions for myself. Even when I have asked for input from others, I made the final choice for me, regardless of the advice of others. Yet, I have been taught to expect the perfect man to choose me?! See how silly that sounds? If choosing is successful for me in all other areas of my life, why would I treat dating differently? And honestly, wouldn’t it be nice to choose each other when it comes to dating, instead of convincing someone to choose you? Aka a “pick me”. EEEEE-YUCK!
Pause ⏸️. I know you may be surprised to hear this, but I was once a pick me for men I had to grow my attraction towards - a damn shame. If anything comes out about me from years ago, it is AI lol. No but in all seriousness, I once was a pick me. I may even have a few tendencies buried deep down, but thank God for growth.
Play ▶️.
And the thing is, convincing someone to choose you is not a pick me characteristic per se, but it shouldn’t take long or constant convincing. For example, I didn’t interview for years for my job to choose me, I went through a few rounds and I got the job, but I did take the first step in applying. That is how I want to approach dating moving forward - get comfortable making it known I am interested first. When I look at my dating patterns, I think to myself: why am I waiting months to be exclusive and prove my worth to you (when I had to convince myself to like you) if we are choosing each other?! And I will be damned if I ask at the big age of 33, “what are we?”. Yes, fear is real especially once you’ve been through heartbreak before, but it shouldn’t take long when you both want each other and are actively seeking a monogamous relationship and a spouse. At that point you’re wasting your time and energy on a role that either doesn’t exist, or they’re waiting for a better candidate.
I know what you’re probably thinking, if you know it all, why are you still single? First off, watch you mouth, but second off this is a new theory I am testing. A few months ago I actually DM’d 2 men I had a crush on and here is what I learned.
They showed interest back immediately - rewiring my brain yay!
Men like to be chosen too - ain’t nothing sassy about wanting to be chosen, it is gender neutral.
When I am doing the choosing, oh these are some first round draft picks. I choose REAL good. I am talking FIONE, tall, tatted, intelligent, wealthy, and well traveled - society’s rules don’t know what’s best for me, I KNOW what’s best for me.
Why haven’t I been doing this all along? Well, I will tell you why. I told yall I have an unworthiness wound that I JUST released a few months ago (see article below), but also this is not how we as women have been taught to approaching dating; “a man will find you” is a societal norm. Not to mention, I believe the Black community dates in a way that not only is a disservice to us women, but the men too. Why are we spending more time worrying about what others (family, friends, strangers) think, instead of how we feel about a person? Why are we letting fear stop us from taking a step forward with someone we know makes us happy? Maybe that is a generalization, so let me stop, also that is a different type of article.
Outside of my own recent theory, I have two friends who chose their husbands that support this theory. One friend met a man at a bar, went up to him, and now they’re married with kids. I’d often tell her, that could never be me because a man needs to approach me first, and while I still prefer it, making the first move is simply, making the first move; nothing more, nothing less. I often thought of making the first move as being emasculating or thirsty, but it’s not like I plan to make the first move the entire relationship should it even go further because again, sometimes it is simply making the first move; it’s not that deep. How he responds from that point on will determine if I allow anything to move forward. So this goes with my theory, women who are good decision makers, need to do the choosing when it comes to dating. There is also a stat on this.
Pause ⏸️. I remember reading a stat on this a few years ago, but I could not find a study to back it up, ugh. However, I did see an article stating that many men enjoy being chosen and the sexual chemistry is usually better for women who initiate the relationship (https://www.strikemagazines.com/blog-2-1/7uxpa7tj87czp9oibkqphte87c4iqq). I mean why wouldn’t it be? He is glad to be chosen by you and you didn’t have to wait to build attraction, it was there from the start.
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Maybe we need to do more choosing or initiating. You know what type of person you want, GIRL go talk to your crush. Crushes are a portal to our potential and there is likely something within them you’d likely like to embody - I plan to discuss this in more depth so stay tuned, I just need more personal data first (hehe). Go talk to them, say hi! Anything can happen, even if it is not romantic. Maybe it is an opportunity to learn something new! Maybe they’re the one! Maybe you just need to open up that throat chakra more often to receive what you really want, instead of accepting what is given. Or maybe it’s Maybelline LOL! You won’t know until you shoot your shot and have some audacity. There’s no shame in making the first move and my type knows I’m only gon' say I’m interested once, after that the ball is in their court. I’m not chasing, neither are you, and neither is Megan Thee Stallion; her very next line after "bad bitches choose" is "NEVER chase a nigga, let a nigga chase you". We are simply choosing who gets access to us, not chasing. Oh and making sure they know they’re a chosen one because for the type of woman reading this, she knows, most don't make the cut. And that is even more reason why you need to shoot your shot; you know EXACTLY what you want, and what you want is niche so if you see someone that fits the mold, why are you holding yourself back?! Fear?! Now girl... Remember, you’re an Upgrade U woman, you’re a bad bitch who chooses, YOU. ARE. THAT. GIRL.
Pause ⏸️. Hey Siri, play “I’m That Girl” by Beyoncé.
Play ▶️.
One final thing to think about, for my spiritual baddies, if you feel a strong urge to speak to someone, listen to it. Our greatest blessings come after we have taken the guided (often uncomfy) action.
Thank you so much for reading. If you feel called, leave a comment sharing your experience around this topic, or share with a friend who can relate. If you liked this article, check out some similar ones below. Lastly, below is a link to a playlist of the songs I channeled while writing this, it is a little raunchy but we grown! Until next time friends. 🧚🏾♀️💕✨
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